Hurt and Confusion

I fear I may have a stalker, and I waffle between confusion, hurt and a weird combination of happiness and acceptance.

I may be totally wrong, and I'm equally hoping and I'm wrong and right. I fell in love last year. This man was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my with, grow old with, fight and make up with. Emotionally, though, he was a wreck. I think he still visits my blog and Twitter page, although I have no way of knowing for sure. If it's him, he's switched internet providers. But the visitor in question acts the same way the ex-boyfriend did when he wanted me to know he was hopping on my pages. He exits my blog to my Twitter page. He clicks on responses I make to other people. There's only one person who's ever done that, and that is Sam.

I can't say I miss him, I've realized that he was not the man I need in my life. But yet, a part of me still has a hard time letting go of those dreams I built around him. He's moved on with his life, having gotten married, even. That hasn't stopped him from stalking me, if it is truly him. My gut says it is, and I've learned the hard way to trust my instincts.

Perhaps it boils down to me wanting him to realize the mistake he made by fucking with my heart and causing me to walk away. I want him to regret his mistakes. I don't want him back in my life, however. Because he just isn't right for me. I do miss him, though. I miss having a man in my life. Someone to hold me. Someone who listened. Someone who was mine. He was good like that. He made me feel like a woman, instead of feeling like the roles I take on in other people's lives - mother, sister, daughter. I was just me, with him. And that was important to me. I liked being a girlfriend. A lover. A confidant.

All that isn't enough, though. He was untrustworthy, and he hurt me. He was too wrapped up in himself to think about me. And I think, deep down, that he resented my son.

I don't mind if he reads Twitter or my blogs. It is almost comforting, knowing he is still on the fringes. That he hasn't forgotten about me. This is why I don't lock my Twitter account or block the ISP address. More fool me, I suppose.